Friday, March 28, 2014

I Woke Up Happy

Last night I had the best dream. 
My girl was home. 
We were drying her off after she'd taken a bath, putting on her jammies, and brushing her teeth. 
It was so normal, so real, so typical. 
There is nothing special about a bedtime routine.
Except that when your daughter isn't home, EVERYTHING seems special about a bedtime routine. 
I'm not waiting for something magical or extraordinary or exceptional in some way that defies the normal day in and day out of family life; I'm just waiting for normal family life with my whole family.

I woke up overwhelmed with happiness and with a very heavy heart, all at the same time. 

Today is an important day in the big scheme of our adoption and of our lives together as a family. 
Some people associated with our adoption agency are in her country today, visiting her orphanage. 
They're bringing a baby doll and a dress and, most importantly, a photo album filled with pictures of our family to our girl. 

I have so many roller coaster emotions about this. 

Part of me is so hopeful.
 Seeds will be planted today. 
She will see our family-- HER family--for the first time today. 
She will be hugged today and played with and loved on...... by someone else. 

(insert big dip on the roller coaster here-- you know, the kind that makes your stomach drop down past your knees)

Someone else will hug her today. 
Someone else will play with her today. 
Someone else will love on her today. 

And while I'm so very grateful for these middle mamas who are there to love on her when I can't,
 I'm also so very jealous. 
It's selfish.
 I know it is. 
But what mama wouldn't be jealous in these circumstances? 
I so badly want to kiss her little cheeks and hold her little hands and see her smile- a REAL smile, not the little smirk we've seen in pictures but a full-on belly laugh kinda smile. 

There are tears today. 
Lots of tears. 
And unfortunately I'm totally out of M&M's (how did THAT happen?). 

And there's more bittersweetness to come. 
Next week, or maybe even this weekend, I'll get some new pictures of her. 
We haven't gotten any new pics since October. 
She's had a birthday since then. 
And while I know it's so very good that she has grown, it will be bittersweet to see how much she has grown and changed, all without a family there to cheer her on and celebrate each and every milestone. 

Adoption is hard, friends. 
Following God's call is hard. 
My heart literally hurts today. 
And I can't stop crying. 
And can I just say that pregnancy hormones can't even begin to touch adoption hormones? 
It needs to be said. 

But God is good. 
His word is good. 
And I wouldn't change a thing if I could....except I certainly wouldn't have allowed myself to eat all of the M&M's. 

1 comment:

  1. oh, friend. i know exactly how you are feeling. i've had those dreams. i've also had the same feelings of joy and heartache when others are visiting, loving on and holding my girl. it is so, so hard. a roller coaster of emotions, for sure. i wish i lived down the street and could run a king-sized bags of m&m's over for you (my drug of choice also). sending prayers and hugs...


Cool people leave comments. Comments make me happy. You do the math.