2017: Resolutions and My Word for the Year

So clearly I'm a little late to the game, 

but seeing as how it's still technically January and still early in the year, 

I've spent some time thinking about what I want from this year. 

The past three years of my life can be summed up in one little word: 

adoption. 

If I wasn't crying or praying or filling out paperwork then I was fundraising or planning or traveling to Africa. 

The aftermath of that? 

Well, who am I now?

What do I want to do next? 

How can I work towards something that will be as meaningful as that was? 

We don't feel called to adopt again, at least not any time soon. 

And while I would love to buy a one way ticket to the land I love, 

we aren't there yet either. 

And while there is a little something on the horizon (more details to come soon), 

WHAT'S NEXT is still a work in progress. 

Here's what I do know: 

I want this year to matter. 

Adoption (while totally worth it because EVIE) was hard and consuming. 

There are things I pushed aside while spending all that time filling out forms, 

and this year I am playing catch up, which leads me to my word for the year: 

INVEST. 

I want to invest more in my family. 

I want to invest more in my body.

(You try being paper pregnant for three years and let me now how well your jeans fit.)

I want to invest more in my friends. 

I want to invest more in my marriage. 

Here are some others things I'm dreaming about for 2017: 

-More reading time and less TV time. 

-More recognizing birthdays and important events in the lives of people I love. 

-More date nights. (Can  I get an AMEN?)

-More time in the Word. 

-More prayer time spent listening and less time spent talking. 

-More intentional memory making for our family. 

What are YOU resolving to do in 2017? 

Do tell. 

And then I cried.

It's been quiet around here.

 It's not that I haven't had anything to say, but more that we've been busy. 

We've been working to find our new normal and become a family of five. 

Evie has been home just shy of three months. 

It's funny to even say that because it honestly feels like she's always been here. 

She has fit so seamlessly into our family. 

But I don't want these memories to be lost-- 

our first memories together. 

We met on a Sunday. 

I saw her get out of the van and just like that, she was mine. 

Here we are within minutes of meeting. 

I won't say I was scared. 

I knew that God had planned this and put so many details into place. 

But I will say that I was nervous. 

What if she was scared? 

What if she was sad and longing for her foster mother? 

What if she didn't feel like mine right away? 

But my worries were for nothing. 

Meeting Evie was far better than I could ever dreamed. 

One minute she was a stranger, and the next minute she was family. 

She was my daughter. 

Our time in Congo was short and sweet, 

filled with bubbles and stickers and play-doh and peanut butter crackers 

and lots and lots of waiting. 

And then, just like that, my lawyer showed up at our hotel with our beloved Exit Letter. 

I've never been happier to see a piece of paper in my whole life. 

And then I cried. 

Within an hour, we were headed to the airport and boarding the first of several flights home. 

I won't say that flying with a toddler was the most fun thing I've ever done. 

I will say that for the most part she did very, very well and that I'm thankful for pound cake, headphones, nice strangers, and clean bathrooms. 

After over twenty-four hours of travel, we finally landed in the good ole' US of A. 

And then I cried again. 

America, you just got a little cuter. 

And our family just got a little bigger. 

I'm an adopting mama no more. 

Praise God from whom all blessings flow. 

Packing is an art. (#adoptionpackinglist)

Packing is my jam. 

I love it. 

The planning and organizing and strategically placing all the right things in all the right places-- 

I love all of it. 

Actually, I think it's the fact that I like being prepared. 

*NOTE: I'm writing this post before I bring my girl home b/c I have the time to write it now but plan on being too busy with her to write it when I get home. However, I will edit it to reflect any recommendations once we are home and settled. 

This will be my fifth trip to Africa, 

and I've learned a thing or two about what I really need versus what will waste space in my suitcase. 

And when I did some searching for African adoption packing lists, the posts were in short supply.

This will probably bore most of my readers, 

but it helps even one Africa-bound traveler or adoptive mom, 

then it will be more than worth the time it took to write it. 

Please note that I am not an over-packer. 

I know what I can get in-country and would rather not carry things I won't use. 

Okay, so first here's what I'm packing in: 

-1 large suitcase (This will weigh 50 lbs. or less and will be checked and stored under the plane.)

-1 carry-on, small suitcase (This has my adoption paperwork and enough food and clothes to sustain me and Evie should my check bag be delayed.)

-1 Kavu sling bag (This will be my personal item that will sit under the seat in front of me. It has all the things I will need on the plane in it.)

NOTE: This list will vary from one person to the next. Everyone has different food preferences, medical needs, and comforts of home. Also, the list will vary depending on the age of you child and whether he or she has any special needs or medical issues. My daughter is between 2-3 years old and has no known medical issues. 

Okay, so here's what's in each bag: 

LARGE SUITCASE: 

RANDOM ITEMS: 

-1 roll of paper towels 

-3 small washcloths

-2 towels (The towels in Africa are notoriously bad. I always take one with me to Africa and then leave it there. This frees up room in my suitcase for souvenirs.)

-1 hand towel (to use for washing my face, brushing our teeth, etc. This could also be used for cooking.)

- 2 travel packs of Lysol wipes

-2 packs of baby wipes

-1 package of disposable bowls (Bowls can be used in place of plates, but not vice versa. These are invaluable in Congo b/c the water isn't safe to drink or wash dishes with.)

- a few packs of disposable cutlery

- a few child-sized spoons and forks

-a sippy cup ( I suggest bringing two different styles in case your child prefers one over the other. Also, when I met Emily, she knew how to drink out of a regular cup and did so much better than my bio babies, but we needed a non-spill cup for when we were out and about, and I'll want one for Evie on the plane ride home.)

-a water bottle for me for in-country use

-several Ziploc bags of various sizes

-3-4 packs of travel-size disinfecting hand wipes (These are way better than liquid germ-x, as they remove dirt AND germs.)

-a blanket for Evie (She has most likely never had air-conditioning and will be much colder on the plane, etc. than I will be.)
-shampoo and conditioner for me and Evie
-coconut oil for Evie's skin and hair
-a non-tangle brush for Evie and one for me

FOOD: 

TIP: I pack anything that's crushable in tupperware containers to keep them in one piece. 

-a bag of goldfish

-several squeezie packs of baby food (Even toddlers enjoy these. They don't require utensils. They're a great way to get some veggies into your kid.)

-a package of suckers (These are great for keeping your little quiet while you're meeting with government officials, etc. They're also good for little ears on airplane rides.)

-Fiber One Brownies (It's hard to find vegetables I can eat in Africa that won't make me sick, and a girl needs her fiber. This is my compromise when I travel.)

-a few packs of travel-size trail mix

-2-3 bags of beef jerky 

-2-3 boxes of raisins for Evie

-instant coffee individual packets  (I CAN'T STAND airplane coffee but can't stand the thought of traveling without coffee.)

-individual coffee creamers 

-Propel drink mixes 

-Crystal Light packs with caffeine (These tend to help when I'm feeling jet-lagged.)

-several packs of oatmeal (I like the kind with extra protein.)

- all the bars (They're easy to carry around when you're out and about, and you don't have to touch them to eat them. I try to bring some that are packed with protein.)

-several packs of individual peanut butter (These are great for little ones. They can eat them with a spoon, and then you can just throw them away. They also take a little longer to eat and are more filling than crackers, etc.)

-canned chicken with pop-top lids 

-rice (I usually bring instant b/c it's easier to cook if you simply have access to hot water.)

-instant mashed potatoes (also good with just hot water access)

-tortillas (easier to pack and last longer than bread. Plus, I actually LOVE the bread I've eaten in African countries, so I try to buy some when I can. These can be used with peanut butter or chicken.)

- a can of Pringles (comfort food, and the can helps keep them in tact)

-Belvita breakfast crackers (Blueberry is my favorite.)
-two pre-packaged camping meals that one require adding boiling water
-some candy and chocolate (Comfort food :) )

MEDICINE: 

- tweezers

-band-aids

-toddler safe Vapo-rub stick 

-toddler tylenol (chewable)

-toddler benadryl (chewable) 

-toddler cold and cough medicine (chewable) 

- Lotrimin for ringworm

- a lice kit
-precription cream for Scabies

-children's Pepto

-children's Bonine (for motion sickness)

-Neosporin

-adult Advil

-adult Pepto

-immodium (I've taken this every time and never had to use it, but better safe than sorry.)

-Cipro (prescription antibiotic I'll take if I have stomach troubles or anything else until I can get home to a doctor)

- prescription malaria meds (I prefer Malarone.)

-Melatonin (adult and children's for the trip home for Evie and for me as needed)

-Pedialyte drink mixes (These are for Evie, but I'll use them if I worry about being dehydrated.)

-bug bite itch stick 

-travel size essential oils (Thieves, Lavender, DigestZen, bug repellent oil, Tea Tree oil to repel lice)

-adult cold and sinus meds

-Vitamin C chews for the plane

-adult motion sick meds (Again, I've never had to use these, but better safe than sorry.)

-sunscreen (Whether or not you wear in at home, you will want sunscreen when you meet the sun over Africa.)

-razor

-q-tips

-bar of antibacterial soap

-small pair of scissors

CLOTHES (Mom): 

--1 pair of flips flops (I can wear these in the room or to step outside, etc. But be careful about wearing flip flops in villages; there are many parasites in African countries that enter the body through the feet.)

-1 pair of Converse (which I'll wear on the plane and everyday in country. Any closed toe shoes that you prefer would work though if you're not a Converse fan.)

-2-3 long skirts ( You actually don't have to wear these in bigger cities, but I think they're cooler than pants.)

-5 t-shirts

-1 nicer shirt that I can wear if I have to go to the Embassy

-2-3 pairs of pajamas (I always pack something I can sleep in and wear around the hotel, usually Nike shorts and a pair of leggings and t-shirts)

-1 pair of socks in case it's cold at night (I don't wear them with my Converse.)

-1 rain jacket (I will wear this on the plane coming and going.)

-1 pair of jeans (I will travel in these.) 

-unmentionables (Don't forget these, as you'll have a heck of a time finding them in country!)

CLOTHES (Evie): 

-10 pairs of panties (You can't have enough of these.)

-5 pair of socks 

-3 pairs of shoes in different sizes, since I'm not sure what size she'll actually need

-7 outfits (a mix of dresses, leggings, and tops. I think I know her size, but I'm not sure, so with a mix, I'm more likely to be able to make it work.)

-a sweater for the plane ride home

-a few hair accessories

-5 pairs of pajamas

SMALL, CARRY-ON SUITCASE: 

-Adoption paperwork

-neck pillow for the plane (I highly recommend this. Sleep is precious on an airplane.)

-a converter and phone charger

-my DSLR camera and charger (don't forget your memory card!)

-a change of clothes for me and Evie

-a hairbrush

-a quart size Ziploc bag of liquids (shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, contact solution, mouthwash, travel size container of coconut oil)

-a Ziploc full of a few diapers (for bedtime and travel home) 

-my make-up bag (for the trip home) 

- Evie's Ergo (I'm packing this here instead of my suitcase b/c I can't replace in country if my bag doesn't arrive.)

- a thin diaper changing pad for the plane ride home with Evie

KAVU SLING BAG:

-my headphones (the airplane ones are terribly uncomfortable. Mine are comfortable enough to sleep in and help block out the unwanted airplane noises when I'm sleeping.)

-a pair of compression socks (These are one item would NEVER leave behind! They are such a game changer for long flights!)

-all the snacks (Airplane food is lame.)

-a sleep mask (Again, sleep is at the top of the priority list on an airplane.)

-my I-pod

-a black ink pen to fill out my customs info on the plane

- small notebook with the address of where I"ll be staying inside of it (also for customs info)

-chapstick (Another item I'd NEVER leave behind!)

-meds (Melatonin, malaria pills, Advil, sinus/allergy/cold meds, Vitamin C pills)

-travel pack of Kleenex

-Germ-X

-antibacterial wipes to wipe my seat tray, armrests, and hands with on the plane (In real life, I'm not a germaphobe AT ALL, but put me on an airplane, and it's a totally different story.)

-my cell phone (and a USB cord in case I can charge it on the plane) 

-gum

-a small toothbrush and some Wisps disposable travel toothbrushes

TRAVEL ENTERTAINMENT ITEMS FOR EVIE: 

-a small backpack in my suitcase for her to carry on the way home

-a small container of play-doh

-stickers

-a package of pipe cleaners

-a small toy car

-a Barbie doll

-a small baby doll

-balloons

-some volume control headphones (I normally wouldn't encourage my toddler to watch TV, but when you're traveling for about thirty hours, you do what you have to do.)
-crayons and a coloring book
-magie wonder markers and a magic wonder coloring book
-some Silly Putty
-a ziploc full of little plastic toy animals

On the way home, I will use her backpack several changes of clothes for her, diapers, a pair of pajamas for the plane for her, and as many snacks for her as I can fit in it.

I hope this is helpful to someone one day. And if you're an African adoptive mom who has any additional tips, please leave them in the comments!

Sometimes love wins.

There are so many things to say, and I've been having ALL THE FEELS lately, but let's just sum it up and start at the beginning, shall we? 

Three years ago, we answered God's call to adopt a little girl from the Democratic Republic of the Congo. We knew this process wouldn't be easy, but we NEVER imagined it would be this hard...or this good.

In September of 2013, we saw the face of a beautiful little girl, and we just knew that she was ours. We accepted her referral and began the court process for our Emily. And in January of 2015, I went and spent ten days with her. Loving Emily was so easy, and we were blessed to call her our daughter for eighteen months. 

On May 19th of that same year,  we lost our beloved Emily when she was reunited with her birth family. That phone call knocked the wind out of our chests. It was so unexpected. It was so out of the blue. It was so painful. And it was so good.

Good, you say?

Yes.

Good.

On May 19th,2015, in the same minute that we lost Emily, our agency told us about another little girl in desperate need of a family.

Another little girl?

What?

Another little girl. 

Even though this certainly wasn't our plan, it wasn't really a question of IF as much as WHEN.

God didn't call us to adoption because of Emily;

God called us to adoption because there is a little girl out there in need of a family.

We still have room in our home; we still have room in our hearts; we still have room in our family.

And there is still a little girl in need of a home. None of those things have changed. 

We  aren't going to lie or sugarcoat it; saying yes to Evie was HARD. While we felt so blessed at the opportunity to say yes, it would have been so much easier to say no. What if someone heard our story and was too scared to yes to adoption? What if we couldn't love Evie the same way we loved Emily? What if she NEVER comes home? What if we lose her too? It was, to put it mildly, a lot. 

We had a choice to make. And in August of 2015, after taking some time to pray and seek God's direction for our family, we said yes to Evie and accepted her referral. Evie wasn't our original plan, but God has confirmed time and time again that she was ALWAYS His plan. And we know without a doubt that His plans are ALWAYS better than anything we can attempt to come up with. During these past twelve months, we have fallen so in love with our Evie. Her name, Evelyn, means 'longed for child', and that is nothing short of true.

During the past three years, a lot of people have told us how admirable we are or how wonderful we are. They've thrown around words like brave and bold and awesome. While those words are very nice, and we recognize that they are coming from a place of love, we have simply been obedient. We turned away from what would have been easy and safe and said yes to Jesus instead. 

We don't feel brave. We don't feel awesome. We certainly don't feel like heroes. We feel BLESSED. We get to be a part of God's beautiful story of redemption for this beautiful daughter of His. We get to be her mother, father, and sisters. We get to call her OURS. WHAT A GIFT IS THAT! 

God is so much bigger and better and mightier than we can even begin to understand. And we have seen His goodness in all things. Even in the loss of time and energy, even through all the tears and frustration, even through the heart-ache of losing one daughter to gain another, He was there. He is so immensely good. But please hear us when we say that even if our story never has a happy ending, HE IS STILL THAT GOOD.

And it's with the biggest smiles on our faces and hearts FULL of joy that we can say that God has made a way through what has seemed like an impossible situation for so so long; OUR DAUGHTER IS COMING HOME....SOON!  He has moved mountains to get her here, and her coming home is nothing short of a miracle.

We literally went from wondering if she would ever come home and thinking that our adoption journey might never have the happy ending we so long for to be packed and ready for a call to travel in three weeks time. 

Needless to say, it's been a little crazy around here---in literally the best way possible.

MY DAUGHTER IS COMING HOME!!!!!!

And then she was two.

Today, 

on the other side of the world, 

my daughter I have yet to meet turns two. 

It's such a strange feeling, 

loving someone so much whom I've never actually met. 

It's also hard for someone who loves birthdays as much as I do to think about the fact that there will be no cake, no presents, and no one celebrating her today. 

My arms literally ache to squeeze her. 

I can't wait until her birthday will involve candles, cake, and all the presents. 

But, so much bigger than that, I can't wait until I can tell her just how happy I am that she was born. 

I can't wait to be her day-to-day mom and do all the things that come with that--

 the good, the bad, and the messy. 

The way my heart longs from her--

I remember feeling this way when Hollyn was in my belly. 

There was one night towards the end of my pregnancy when I just cried and cried. 

I was SO ready to meet her and just wanted to hold her. 

(I was also obviously very hormonal. Bless it.)

That's how I feel now. 

I WANT her. 

I can't WAIT until she's here, with her family, in her home. 

My most precious Evie girl, 

YOU are celebrated. 

Happy two years, baby girl. 

And while we can't celebrate this one together, 

I pray that we will have many, many, many birthdays to spend together celebrating the gift that is YOU!

So, instead of focusing on the sad and allowing this to be a hard day, 

I'm instead focusing on the fact that this birthday you have a family who absolutely adores you and is praying for you and loving you and celebrating you from afar. 

I love you all the way to Africa and back, E. 

And If Not, He Is Still Good

This is me, writing a blog post.

 I know, I know.

 It's somewhat of a {post} Christmas miracle. 

So, where have I been? 

What have I been doing? 

Why haven't I been blogging? 

2015. 

That's why. 

This year was something else. 

It was one of the worst and best years of my life. 

It was a year of loss, heart-aches, and new beginnings. 

  

And as hard as this year has been for our family, 

God has used this year to reveal Himself over and over again. 

He's used this year to remind me that He sees me. 

He sees us. 

And no matter what happens or doesn't happen, He is still good. 

He is still in control. 

His plans are always better than mine. 

And right now, it seems as if He has another plan for our family.

On May 19th we lost our beloved Emily.
That phone call knocked the wind out of my chest.
It was so unexpected.
It was so out of the blue.
It was so painful.
And it was so good.

Good, you say?
Yes.
Good.

On May 19th, in the same minute that we lost Emily,
our agency told us about another little girl in desperate need of a family.

Another little girl?
What?

Another little girl. 

It wasn't really a question of IF as much as WHEN.

God didn't call us to adoption because of Emily;
God called us to adoption because there is a little girl out there in need of a family.

We still have room in our home; we still have room in our hearts; we still have room in our family.
And there is still a little girl in need of a home.
None of those things have changed.

So, we prayed.
And we waited.
And we prayed some more.
And on July 20th, we said YES.

Everyone, I'd like to introduce to our newest addition:

EVIE.

And by OUR, I literally mean OURS;
we passed court, making her legally our daughter.
BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT I'VE EVER RECEIVED.

God is so so good.
This wasn't my plan;
but it was His.

She is ours.
We have a daughter.


AM I SCARED? 

I'm terrified.
Losing Emily hurt.
It was so hard. And if we're being honest, it still hurts every day.
What if I fall in love with Evie, and we lose her too?
Well, that will be awful, but not following God's call?
That would be MORE awful.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't view adoption differently now.
I have seen another side of adoption now than when I was waiting for Emily.
With her, I never ever doubted that she would come home;
 I never for one second entertained that idea.
With Evie, I know better.
It's not about my plans.
I can make them all day long, but in the end, God's plan?
It's the only one that matters.
So with Evie, every single day that I get to  be her mother is a gift.
Every day is a blessing.
SHE is a gift, and being her mother?
What an honor.

AM I EXCITED? 

I am very, very excited.
The more I learn about her, the more excited I get.
I can't stop staring at her little face and dreaming about the day she'll be here,
in her house with her family.
I don't love her less because I lost Emily,
the same way that I don't love Libby more because she was first baby.
This heart of mine?
It's big enough for them both.
She's not our second choice or our plan B.
She is our DAUGHTER,
and we are thrilled beyond thrilled to welcome her into our hearts and our home.


WHEN IS SHE COMING HOME?

Do you know?
Because I certainly don't.
We are still several steps away from being ready to bring her home, and on top of that, her country is still under suspension and not allowing anyone to come home right now.  So, I'm trying very hard to view it in terms of, "she'll come home when God is ready for her to come home", and not focus on the fact that this whole thing is scary and hard. One step at a time. So, today I'm focused on praying for the speedy arrival of the documents we need to file for our I-600 application. So, if you see me out and about and want to talk to me about how cute she is but don't bother to ask us when she's coming home, that will be fine by me (and I may hug your neck. Consider yourself warned).


HOW CAN YOU PRAY FOR US? 

Pray for Evie.
Pray for her foster parents, her health, and her little heart.
Pray for paperwork-- all the paperwork-- to go through at a speed so fast I get a little whiplash.
A little whiplash sounds awesome right now.
Pray for my girls; waiting for your little sister is not an easy thing to do.
Pray that 2016 brings Evie HOME.

We've been in the adoption process for almost three years.
I'm tired and weary.
But Evie?
She's worth pushing on for,
and I'm believing that 2016 is our year.

And yes, today is my birthday.
Happy 36 years to me.
I can't think of a better to celebrate than by sharing all that God is doing in my life.
If you need me, I'll be busy stuffing my faee with tacos, laughing, and staring a hole into Evie's smile on my phone.

The letter in my Bible.

There's this letter in my Bible. Tucked away somewhere in the book of Proverbs, written in my sloppy handwriting, a combo of cursive and print. I remember the day I wrote it. So full of hope and longing for her, my daughter. I'd seen her face, but we hadn't met yet. I knew we would meet though. That feeling of belonging, of motherhood, of hardcore deep-rooted, unexplainable love, I've had that feeling since the first time I looked at her. Even from the very first time I saw her face in a random email on a random day in September, she has looked like MINE.

"My dearest Emily, 

You are desired, baby girl. 

I want to hold your little hands and kiss your little cheeks. 

I want to watch you sleep and lay with you when you're sick and hold you when you cry. 

I want to smile with you and laugh with you and watch you live a world full of firsts........"

I'd almost forgotten about the letter, the one I wrote to her at an adoption retreat when I was supposed to be listening to the speaker, but instead was day-dreaming about all the days to come with my daughter. I knew when I wrote it that no matter how honest I was and how hard I tried to express to her how much I adore her and love her and longed for her, there would never be enough words to express to her the depth of my feelings. Words like that simply don't exist. And then yesterday, it all but bit me like a snake in the grass when I was sitting in church and happen to come across it. I have the letter, but I will never have her.

"....I want to walk through hard places with you and remind you that you were never forgotten. 

You were never alone or forsaken. 

God was there, baby girl. 

He was holding you when I could not. 

He was comforting my heart while I waited for you......"

I miss her. Terribly. Awfully. Fully. I miss her every single day. My girls miss her. My husband misses her. She's everywhere, engrained in every aspect of our lives and our home and our hearts. She's there because she belongs there. After all, she's our girl.

"....Emily, you are so much more than what has happened to you and what you have endured. 

'Orphan' is not your identity. 

It's not who you are. It's not your defining characteristic. 

It's simply a part of God's plan; one chapter in your story. 

And right now, we are in a hard part. 

We are loving you, we are waiting for you, 

and our family won't be complete until you're home with us. ..."

And yet, she never coming home. It's so hard, the unknown. I find myself worrying about her. There's a measles outbreak in Congo right now. Did you know that? I did. And I find myself worrying about her. I want to protect her from all the things, including the measles. But I can't. I can't today. I can't tomorrow. I can't ever. And that's hard. There will be no updates, no news to come. Nothing. Just silence and the unknown. And that's hard too.

"...You are not forgotten. 

He is there with you in Congo. 

His hand is at the center of our journey to you. 

 And as heartbreaking as adoption is and can be, He has a plan, and His plans are always perfect, 

even when we don't understand them. "

She's my daughter, and yet she's not my daughter. That's such a hard thing for my mind and my heart to understand. I love her so deeply, and loving her feels so right. And yet, she's not coming home. I need to move on. I need to let go. I will never stop loving her. In fact, I'm pretty sure I couldn't stop loving her if I tried. But I can't stay here, in this place where there's still an open door. This place is too hard. It hurts too much to long for this child who will never be mine. I need to let it go and move past those dreams. I need to focus on the new things God is doing in our lives and the plans He still has for us. But it's hard.....like really, really, really hard. How do I just turn my heart off like this? One days she's mine and the next she's not, and my heart just doesn't know what to make of that.

"....Waiting for you is hard. 

It's hard to know that there are people who know you more than I do. 

And as jealous as I can be,  more than jealous I am thankful. 

I'm thankful for your middle mamas, the people God is sending to take care of you until I can..."

I stand by what I said before ---- we prayed for this little girl to have a family, and she does.
THAT is worth celebrating! Just because God didn't answer that prayer in the way I wanted Him to doesn't mean that He's not good. I don't doubt for even one second that His way will ALWAYS, WITHOUT QUESTION be better than mine. And I don't struggle with why her family came back for her after almost two years. I can't blame them in any way for loving her and wanting her. That is actually the part of all of this that makes the most sense to me; it's so easy to love her, after all.

"...I've been dreaming of you and longing for you and desiring you since before you were born. 

You, my precious girl, are so so loved...."

There is one part though that I struggle with-- if she was never meant to come home to us, why did God allow us to have such an immediate, undeniable connection? I don't understand that yesterday or today and can say with confidence that when I'm old and grey I still won't understand that. However, while I may not know why I don't understand or why God allowed things to happen the way they did, I also know that I don't have to understand. Even though it's the most confusing thing I've ever had to deal with and even though it makes no sense to me whatsoever, God knows. And that's enough. It has to be. He knows His plans for our precious Emily, and that gives me more peace and comfort than anything on this Earth ever could.

I don't wish I hadn't had this time with her. I don't regret even one minute of the eighteen months I spent with her as my daughter. I don't wish I'd never gone to Congo. I don't wish that things were different...even now...even without her. How could I? I would never wish for someone to miss and long for the girl they love. I would never choose for someone to feel the way I feel now. Loving her WAS and IS a gift. And even though the gift wasn't what I expected and even though the gift didn't last anywhere near as long as I prayed it would, I will never ever stop being thankful for the gift that was our Emily.

"...I love you and won't stop counting the days until you are home--- no matter how long it takes and how hard it is and how hopeless things may seem at times. Being your mom is already such an honor, a gift, and a priviledge. We are so very blessed by you, our sweet Emily....."

Feed their tummies.

I have been so amazed throughout our adoption process at the ways God has worked to connect me to others with a little one in Congo. But, I can honestly say that no one has blessed me more than my friend and mentor Jenny. Jenny's daughter came home this past summer, but Jenny's heart is still yearning to do more for the children in the DRC.
And I'm so glad it is. 

Jenny and her husband are the founders of Feed Their Tummies, a program that works to provide food for orphaned children in the Congo. 

And a little over a month ago, Jenny brought tears to my eyes when she suggested providing food for Emily's orphanage while I was in country. 

I cried happy tears that day,
but I cried so many more on the day we were able to deliver the food to those most precious babies. 

I have to be honest and say that food is something I often take for granted.

I've never gone to bed hungry or known that heartache. 

But, I see food differently now. 

Food is life-giving in so many ways. 

A warm meal is good for the body and soul. 

Food brings comfort. 

Food heals wounds. 

Food helps us grow. 

Food refreshes us. 

Food gives us energy. 

Food creates hope. 

And these babies can't grow without it.

Having access to good nutrition-giving foods can literally change their lives.....

and save them. 

Want to get involved with Feed Their Tummies? 

Please do. 

Visit their website, learn more, donate, and change the life of a child in the DRC. 

Thank you.

I've been home a little over a week, 

and yet I still don't feel ready to share all that in my head and on my heart. 

Some things I want to keep within our family, 

and other things-- well, I'm still searching for the words. 

But, one thing I'm completely ready to say is thank you.

I asked on Facebook for people to donate formula, cloth diapers, and other supplies to the orphanage. 

The response was overwhelmingly wonderful. 

Nothing blesses me more than to see people blessing others. 

Nothing. 

I was so thankful to get to help deliver the donations to the orphanage. 

I felt like we were delivering pounds and pounds of hope and life and love to these precious babies. 

I can say without a doubt that these donations are LITERALLY changing the lives

of these children. 

Lord willing, these orphans will all have families one day soon. 

But for today, we, the body of Christ, are their family. 

And being able to see the smiles on their faces and sleep tonight knowing that 

they will have diapers and medical supplies and formula today

 is a moment I will 

never forget. 

Thank you to all who gave. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

Twenty months, some thoughts, and getting back to the beginning.

We are now officially twenty months into this adoption process, 

although it feels like so much longer 

since we spent close to two years reading and researching and praying before we officially started. 

As I look back on this time spent waiting, it's easy to see the peeks and valleys. 

There have definitely been some valleys on this journey.

 Last Fall (Fall of 2014) can basically be summed up by saying 'adoption is hard'.

 My heart was so broken for my girl, her mother, and the miles that separated us. 

I selfishly wanted her home, but more than that, I wanted this little girl to have a family. 

And now, twenty months later, we're still waiting, but I have a newly restored hope. 

God has used this process to teach me and mold me and move in my heart more than I ever imagined, and no part of me doubts that HE WILL BRING EMILY HOME TO US. 

We still have absolutely no idea when that may happen and still have some very important steps in the process that we are yet to complete, but I may or may not have just washed everything from my trip and repacked it in my suitcase. 

I am literally packed and ready to go get my girl.

 A little premature? Probably. 

Preparing for rain? Definitely. 

I don't want to wait even one minute longer than I have to to bring her home.

And once again, for I pray is the last time, I need your help. 

We are estimating that we still need about $10,000 to bring her home. 

I say estimating because the longer it takes, the more it will cost. 

Home studies, fingerprints, and government forms expire and are renewed with a fee. 

We also are paying monthly foster care fees for our sweet girl. 

And then we'll have to travel. 

So, we are going back to the beginning. 

Our first (and most successful) fundraiser was selling t-shirts. 

You may remember them. 

You may have one. 

But, I'm crossing my fingers that you may need another. 

So, I give you these little beauties: 

www.aldridgeadoption.bigcartel.com

Your grace abounds in deepest waters. 

This promise is so dear to my heart. 

I cling to it. 

And I find so much hope in it. 

These shirts were designed by sweet, talented, beautiful friend Monique. 

You can find more of her work here.

You may be familiar with this song, but in case you're not, my precious, crazy-talented, oh so silly, former student turned grown-up friend, Meredith,  recorded her own version for me to share with you: 

SDV 0344 from McCall Aldridge on Vimeo.

Ten thousand dollars is a lot of money. 

But God is not intimidated by those zeroes. 

And we shouldn't be either. 

My happy thought these days consists of a group of smiling faces waiting for us at the airport, wearing these shirts, welcoming Emily home. 

That will no doubt be my happiest of happy days. 

Next Thursday, February 5th, my little girl will turn three.
And although I'm sure to spend that day crying and stuffing my face with all the M&M's,
we will still be celebrating our girl and another year of her life.
And I'm hoping you'd like to join me in celebrating.
So, in honor of Emily, I'd like to sell THREE HUNDRED SHIRTS by her birthday. 
That's 300 shirts in seven days.
That's over forty shirts a day.
And about two shirts per hour.
It's a big goal, I know.
But God has taught me to not fear big goals.
It won't be all that we need to meet our long term goal,
but it will certainly be a big step closer.

So, who's ready to help bring our girl home?
You can purchase your shirts HERE. 

Have questions about sizing or colors or anything else? 

Ask them in the comments and check back soon for a response.

And please feel free to share, share, share about them on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, your blog, or anywhere else.  

Thank you from the very bottom of my heart for helping to bring our girl home to us. 

Nothing makes me feel more loved than when people love my children and follow God's call to take care of our neighbors, even when our neighbors live half way around the world. 

Adoption takes a village, 

and I am so glad you are a part of mine.

That's my daughter.

God is so good. 

That's really all I know to say. 

He has knit our family together so perfectly, and this girl is the icing on our cake. 

To sum up my time with her-- 

God used each and every minute to confirm over and over and over again that she was made for us. 

It's painstakingly obvious that she belongs with us. 

Every little detail-- they just fit. 

 Our bond was instant, as if it had always been there. 

I guess you could say that's because it has. 

God knew long before I did that she was ours. 

And I will never, ever stop thanking him for the gift that is our Emily. 

I am so in love with this little girl. 

And while my head is still spinning, jet lag is still kicking (hello, 4am wake-ups), and my heart is still racing, one thing is for certain: 

I CANNOT WAIT for her to come home. 

Every day I spend longing for her is one more day that she doesn't have a family. 

And even one more day with no family is too many. 

Will you please join me in praying that she comes home soon? 

Pray that God will move mountains and bring her home sooner rather than later. 

As of tomorrow, we officially began our adoption process twenty months ago. 

But my heart has been longing for her for so much longer than that. 

Tomorrow, you're only a day away.

After waiting and stressing about paperwork arriving in time, 

I am officially headed to Congo tomorrow to meet my daughter. 

It seems like a dream. 

I've waited so long to see her and hold her and love her in person. 

I keep seeing us meet in my mind over and over again like a movie. 

Will she like me? 

Will she be scared? 

Will she let me hold her? 

We shall see. 

I can't imagine what she's been through in her short little life. 

So much heartache and loss and hurt, I'm sure. 

My biggest prayer request for this trip? 

I don't want to bring her even one minute of hurt, heartache, loss, or fear. 

I want our time together to somehow take the place of all the days she's lived without a mother, without a family, without security, without the comfort of a family. 

I know that it can't. 

There's no way a week together can make up for all the time she's spent without all of that. 

But God is good, and thankfully He is in control......always. 

Here are some thoughts/ questions people have asked/ things you might be wondering:

*I'm almost all packed and ready. All I can say is, I feel like I deserve some sort of prize for all the things I've managed to fit into my bags. I'm bringing close to 100 pounds of donations for Emily's orphanage--- formula, cloth diapers, medicines, etc. I've also somehow managed to pack all of what I'll need and all of what Emily will need in my carry-on. I'm also bringing all of our food (minus water). I see lots of ramen noodles, beef jerky, rice, and peanut butter crackers in my future. Please pray that all of my bags (two checked bags, one carry-on suitcase, and one personal item) make it safely to Congo. I don't want to be distracted by anything during my time with my daughter. 

*Will I have Wifi? Not sure. Maybe. We shall see. I'm praying that I do so I can send pictures and videos home to Lee and the girls and so they can send videos to us. HOWEVER, whether I have Wifi or not, I will NOT be posting pictures of Emily's face. While I'm dying to show you just how adorable she is, I'm not legally allowed to do that until she's home. But don't worry-- I'll do what I can and promise to post pics as often as I can. 

*Am I nervous? Probably not in the way you might think. Africa, traveling to Africa, and being in Africa-- these are a few of my favorite things. I feel so comfortable there, and there is literally nowhere else I'd rather be. And traveling? Yes, please. I love flying. I love airports. Even though this is my first time traveling solo, I'm not nervous.  I'll be fine and have no worries about that. I'd say my nerves all come from worrying about her--- I just really want this time together to be a time of peace and comfort and joy for her. I want to be able to meet her needs and for her to begin to view me as her mom. I want her to trust me and for communication to just naturally happen. 

*How old is she? Does she speak English? She's about 2.5-3.5 years old. However, I've been told she's tiny, so we shall see. Hopefully I'll have a better idea about this once we've spent some time together. And English? That would be a no. The national language in Congo is French, but she speaks a tribal language called Lingala. I do have a cheat sheet ready with some key words and phrases, but we shall see how well that goes. Lingala is hard, y'all. 

*How am I gonna leave her? I don't know. All I know to say about this is Jesus. Just Jesus. I have never been more sure about anything in my life than I am that Emily is my daughter. God's got this. He is in control. Does that mean leaving won't be hard? Oh my gosh, of course it will be awful. How am I supposed to say good-bye to my toddler daughter I've just met and leave with no return date in sight? I have no idea. But Jesus is good. And He will take care of me. 

*When is she coming home? I also have no idea about this. We are still waiting to pass court (this is month ten). Once we pass court, she will legally be our daughter, and we'll start making steps towards her coming home. However, Congo still is not issuing exit letters (the final piece you need to travel with your child). Again, God is in control. Does it stink that she can't come home today? Absolutely. Every child deserves a family, and no child should have to continue living without a family when she has one waiting for her. However, let me say it again-- GOD IS GOOD. We saw her face for the first time the day before they announced they were putting exit letters on hold. I fully believe that that was God's timing. He will provide. He will take care of her. We're living in His timing, not our timing. 

That's all for now. 

Finishing up the last few things I need to take care of before I say good-bye to my family and head to a dear friend's house later today. 

She will drop me off at the airport in the morning, and I'll be off from there. 

Prayers are greatly appreciated. 

I'll be meeting my daughter on Friday. 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!