Wednesday, September 24, 2014

A whole year.

A year ago today, I saw my daughter's face for the very first time. 
She was about fifteen months old then. 
I remember worrying about the day I'd see her face. 
Maybe worrying isn't quite the right word, 
but there was the tiniest drop of fear in my head 
when I thought about how I'd feel when I first saw her. 
Would I know she was mine? 
Would there be an instant connection? 
Would seeing her face only confirm that we were right where God wants us? 
And yes. 

All of those. 
I saw her little face and looked into her big brown eyes, and I knew. 
I knew every day for three months before we were actually able to legally accept her referral 
that she was mine. 
I didn't need a piece of paper or a ruling from a judge. 
I just knew. 

It's been a long year. 
My family won't be complete until our girl is home. 
There will always be something missing until she's here, in her bed, in her room, with her family. 

I've cried for her. 
I longed for her. 
My arms have physically ached for her. 
And I feel like I've been pregnant....for seventeen and a half months. 

We still have several steps to complete before Emily is home with us. 
And it just breaks my heart-- all the time that she is spending without her family.
I'm sad for me, I'm sad for us, but most of all, I'm sad for her. 

It's not that we are anything special. 
We'd loud....really, really loud. 
We're messy. 
Sometimes we eat corndogs for dinner. 
But we ARE a family, and my girl, she needs one of those. 

I knew adoption would be hard. 
I wasn't blinded by gotcha day videos or unrealistic in terms of our unknown timeline. 
But I never had a clue just what this waiting would do to my heart. 

But God is good. 
He knows when I'm at my breaking point, and He chooses these exact moments to send good news and updates and new pictures of the most precious little chocolate face our way. 

The picture we got last week? 
She's so big. 
She looks so good. 
And she's smiling. 
That's the first smile we've seen. 
She's so beautiful. 
And she looks so much like mine....because she is. 

My prayer today? 
Where do I even begin? 
I pray that God will protect her. 
That she'll know just how much we love her and how we can't wait to have her home with us. 
I pray for her foster parents, the ones filling in for us. 
I pray for days to seem like minutes until we're together. 
And I pray again and again for not another year to pass before she's here. 

It's been a whole year, and my heart has felt every minute of every hour without my Emily. 


  1. God sees and hears both you and Emily. He cries with you. And He doesn't stop there... He finishes the good work He's started. Praying for you today.

  2. {I tried to comment on my phone and I think it was erased so I apologize if this comes up twice. I'll try to remember what I said.... :)}

    Oh, girl. I am sitting here sobbing for you. This pain is still so fresh and so raw in my own heart. It's impossible to articulate the depth of your longing. It is too big for words.

    I vividly remember standing in the driveway of our rental house on the beach last year talking to you on the phone about this precious little girl who's face you saw and couldn't get out of your mind. The questions and the fears were real BUT you knew. You knew she was yours. I could tell from your voice that your heart was certain - this beautiful face was your Emily.

    365 days is a lifetime when you're waiting for your baby. Your momma heart cannot take much more. This pain and the uncertainty of the wait is too big a burden to bear. But I know that I know that I know... All of the hurt. All of the loss. All of the time apart. All of the tears. All of the sleepless nights. All of the fear. All of the worry. All of the doubt. He will REDEEM it ALL. None of this will be wasted. Not a single moment.

    I pray that the timelines ahead of you are blown out of the water by our Mighty, Powerful God. I pray that He uses this time ahead to prepare Emily's heart for your family. I pray that He uses this time to refine yours as you wait. I pray for her health and safety. And, I pray that He continues to thin the veil and reveal Himself to you in sweet moments as you weep at His feet. He is not going anywhere and He is fighting on your behalf.

    Love you, sweet friend. Hold on. His story is always beautiful and He isn't finished with this one yet. :)


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