Wednesday, July 7, 2010

The Former Me

Once upon a time, there was a little girl named McCall.
She had big blue eyes, big golden curls, and even bigger dreams.
She was often funny and somewhat interesting, and had the world at her fingertips.
And then she grew up, got married, and had kids.

Bye bye free time.
Bye bye 'me' time.
Bye bye social life.

Ok, so really it's not as dramatic as all that.
However, life sure does change when you have kids.
I mean, people ALWAYS told me this, but I never believed them.
I mean, I knew it would change in obvious ways: sleep, house, daily life, etc.
What I was not nearly as aware of was that having kids literally takes your life, inserts it into one of those Christmas snow globes you may or may not love, and shakes the ever living stew out of it.

Sometimes, when I'm not busy changing diapers or force feeding my baby with a spoon (still a work in progress), I take a mental step back and barely recognize the person I've become.
It's not that I don't like this grown-up version of me, it's just that she's so different than the me of days gone by.  I know the 'former me' is in there somewhere, sometimes begging to come out, but right now she's up to her elbows in "no" and "stop that" and can't come to the phone.

Here are a few "former self" loves that I simply can't seem to fit into my schedule these days:

1. TRAVELING


I miss seeing the world. I miss hotel rooms and airplane rides.
 I miss the art of packing for one and traveling free from the ninety pounds of this and that a baby requires for even a one night voyage. I miss not having to schedule my time away from home around naps and nursing.
 I miss walking all day and taking in more than my mind can comprehend in one twenty-four hour period.

2. MY NEWEST VENTURE


I live on a whim.
I'm the kind of girl who randomly gets an idea and loves to act on it.
It calls to me in the night and beckons to me all day until I finally give in to whatever it may be.
This hasn't stopped with the onset of kiddos, but it HAS gotten way more difficult to shut the whims up and make them go away and even more difficult to actually act on them.
Need an example?
Latest whim: playing the guitar.
After months of begging and pleading with the Mister,
I finally convince him that my life will just not be complete without a guitar.
I get it.
We start to bond.
And then I get pregnant again.
Nice.
Bye bye last five remaining minutes of daily free time.

3. DO NOTHING DAYS


I miss sleeping in and not feeling guilty when I wake up.
I miss having nothing on my planner and staying in my pajamas all day by choice and not because I literally couldn't find a moment to squeeze in a shower.
I miss sipping coffee 'til noon and reading an entire book in one beautiful, uninterrupted sitting.
I miss days when the most important, pressing thing I had to do was watch The Real World on MTV.

4. ROAD TRIPS


I'm not necessarily referring to the kind of road trip that takes you far away;
I'm talking about the kind that randomly takes you to the movies or the store late at night
or across town in search of the perfect whatever.
I miss being able to pick up and go when the mood strikes.
 I miss living in a way that was unplanned and unstructured, or at least a way that allowed for such living.
I miss lazy afternoons turning into grand adventures.

5. GIRL TIME


I miss my girls.
I miss giggling 'til I almost wet my pants or 'til someone shoots Coke out of her nose.
 I miss talking about absolutely whatever instead of who's potty training.
I miss girl trips for spring break and getting all dressed up for a night of who knows what.
I still see them from time to time, but it's not nearly as often as I'd like,
and it's never without the feeling that I need to be home with my new girls....
you know, the ones who call me 'mom' instead of 'Mac'.

However, no matter how much I miss the old me, I am happy with the updated version.

And I mean it when I say I'd happily trade all of  that for some of this:


And a whole heaping spoonful of this:


Being a mom may not always be glamorous, glorious, or filled with glee.
In fact, there will be days that are no fun at all.
 There will be times when I question whether or not I'm really qualified for this and whether God really gave me the patience I'll need to make it out alive.

However, there's a joy that comes with this adventure that none of those old adventures can even dare to compete with in any way, shape, or form.
And to put it simply, trading that life for this life?
Well.....let's just say I got the better deal of the two.


5 comments:

  1. Aw what a sweet post, and one that all of us Mommies can certianly relate to! On my blogger profile, the first sentence says, "I'm my kids' mom"... I truly had to embrace this after my 4th child came, because I DID have to totally, and selflessly, give myself to my kids. But... I know it's only for such a short time. There will be days again when you'll have free time (and wonder what the hell you're supposed to do without taking care of someone else). I think it's very important to keep all of your creativity flowing and never stop that! Just involve the kids if you can. : ) This time flies by SO quick!

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  3. This is all too true and something I'm just learning to deal with as a new mom. It's wonderful to know I'm not alone and inspiring to know that you've found that balance I'm so desperately searching for.

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  4. I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I wonder WHAT IN THE WORLD I did with all the free time I had before!
    And then my daughter runs to me with open arms and I remember it doesn't matter.

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